One of the negative aspects of living with a disability is the rude comments people sometimes make, albeit unintentionally. Many people don’t know that there are things you should never say to a disabled person. For example, questioning if we’re sick enough to need the accessible parking space we’re occupying is a big no-no. We don’t want to be interrogated about our medical history and accommodations by a stranger! To help you avoid making these types of faux pas, here are 9 things you should never say to a disabled person.
1. You don’t look sick/disabled.
Most people don’t know that you should never say you don’t look disabled. If someone says they’re chronically ill or disabled, it’s unkind to question them. We don’t know what it’s like to live in each other’s bodies, so you never know the symptoms someone’s experiencing. Many disabled people don’t discuss their pain frequently because they don’t want to upset or bother their friends and family.
Plus, many people don’t understand that it’s common for disabled people to use different mobility aids on different days. Depending on how they’re feeling or where they’re going, an ambulatory wheelchair user might be able to go out without their chair. Being able to walk short distances in certain situations doesn’t mean they’re faking their disability or can live without their wheelchair.
2. You should try this new treatment I heard about.
When you’re chronically ill, everyone mentions different treatments you should try. While these suggestions are usually well-meaning, they can become tiring over time. Chronically ill people usually research and try countless wellness products, exercises, and medications in an effort to get better. So it’s likely your friend or family member already knows about the treatment you’ve discovered.
If you aren’t a doctor, your suggestion may even be harmful to them. For example, someone told me I should try hot yoga even though I pass out in hot environments. That’s why many disabled people prefer to discuss treatments with expert doctors rather than friends and family. But if you feel that you must share, ask your loved one if they’re open to hearing about the therapy you’ve found. And make sure to respect their wishes if they say no.
3. It must be so nice not to work.
It can come across as insensitive to say that you’re envious of disabled people who are no longer able to work. No one enjoys losing their financial independence or a career they love because of health problems. Disabled people often carry shame over not being able to work since our society values hustle culture. Additionally, disability payments are often small and difficult to live on, which makes many chronically ill people financially reliant on friends and family.
4. I get (insert symptom here) too.
If your disabled friend is telling you about a health issue they experience, you probably shouldn’t chime in about your aches and pains. It can feel dismissive when others who aren’t disabled say they get tired or sore sometimes too. Our symptoms are often life-limiting, so it can feel dismissive when someone who isn’t significantly impaired compares their experience to ours. It can also come across as rude to shift the focus of the conversation to your own problems. Instead, it’s better to simply give your disabled friend an understanding ear.
5. I could never live with your disability.
Another thing you should never say to a disabled person is that you could never live with their condition. This kind of sentiment can be hurtful because it suggests that disabled people can’t enjoy life. Although disabled people face challenges, our lives are still worthwhile and have immense value. Just like anyone else, we love to spend time with our family and friends, pursue our interests, and enjoy simple pleasures like nice sunsets.
6. Why can’t you do the same things as other disabled people?
Many people have trouble understanding that all disabilities are different. The same condition may affect two people in different ways. So even if you know someone else with a seemingly similar disability, don’t assume that your friend can perform all the same tasks successfully. It’s important to respect your friend’s limitations and accommodate them as needed.
7. Why aren’t you better yet?
Another thing some people don’t understand is that disabilities and chronic illnesses are usually chronic. That means your friend or loved one probably won’t get better. Certain conditions can have fluctuating symptoms, so your friend may be able to function better some days. However, just because they’re having a lower pain or symptom day doesn’t mean they’re healed.
Even if they’re taking medication and receiving treatment, those therapies probably won’t return them to 100% health. Having a chronic illness or disability is all about symptom reduction and management. Total healing is usually unlikely, so don’t ask your loved one this potentially upsetting question.
8. You’re such an inspiration for overcoming your disability!
This statement contains multiple things you should never say to a disabled person. Implying that someone is an inspiration for simply living their life can seem patronizing. Additionally, chronic conditions usually can’t be overcome completely and need to be managed on a daily basis. So congratulating someone for “beating” their disability can come across as dismissive. Instead of expressing your admiration for disabled people and putting them on a pedestal, just treat them as equals.
9. If you just tried harder, you could do it.
Finally, the last thing you should never say to a disabled person is “try harder.” People with disabilities and chronic illnesses are trying the best they can to function. If they need help with a particular task, assist them. Don’t dismiss them and invalidate their struggles by saying that they should try harder. Unless you’re their medical provider, you shouldn’t make any assumptions about what they should or shouldn’t be able to do.
If You’re Unsure, Don’t Say It
Sometimes it can be difficult to know what to say to disabled people whose experience differs from yours. However, if you’re unsure whether or not something is offensive, it’s best not to say it. Treating disabled people how you’d treat anyone else is a safe bet. If you wouldn’t say it to a healthy person, it’s probably not the right choice of words. With that being said, everyone makes mistakes. If you feel like you’ve made a mistake and said something offensive, a genuine apology can go a long way.