Fostering a child is a chance to make a difference. But what about your own children? What are the impacts of fostering and how can you manage them?
It is a common concern of parents looking into fostering children to think about how fostering will affect their own children. And it is a conversation that every family should have before they decide to foster.
But what are the potential issues? Are there solutions to these issues?
Learning to share – their home, parents, and toys
For some children, the prospect of ‘sharing’ with a child they don’t know is not something they feel comfortable with.
The temptation is to label this kind of behavior as selfish or silly. The truth is, sharing is a skill that we all need to learn but sometimes, there are things we don’t want to share with others.
What could be the solution to this?
- Sharing toys – any special toys or precious things that your child has don’t need to be shared with anyone, just in the same way you may not share something of value to you. Make it clear there are toys and items that everyone can use but that other things are personal. Make this a family rule.
- Sharing their home – it is always preferable that children have their own space in terms of a bedroom. Sharing their bedroom is a big ask and something that we don’t recommend at FCA Scotland – which is why you need to have a spare room if you want to foster with us.
- Sharing their parents – seeing you hug a niece or nephew is one thing, but having another child move in and share you is quite another. Make sure you spend plenty of time with your own children whilst fostering. Make use of breaks and respite offered by your fostering agency.
More people in the home
When in foster care, a child being looked after away from their birth family may have many professionals involved in their care now and in the future.
As well as social workers, there could be counselors or other therapists who come to your home.
This can mean a steady stream of people coming to your home. For foster carers, this can be daunting and can, at times, feel invasive.
For your own children, you may find that they find this difficult too, especially if they are asked to ‘play outside’ or leave the room.
What could be the solution to this?
Remind professionals that they are entering your home and even though it is a therapeutic space for the foster child, it is a functioning family home full of love, chaos and your children.
Ask them if home visits are always necessary and try to a diary in meetings at times when they won’t disturb the household routine too much.
Always try to pre-plan these meetings too so that you can make arrangements for care for your own children, such as spending the afternoon with your grandparents or enjoying another social activity.
‘Bad’ behavior
Foster children present a range of behaviors that can, at best, be described as challenging but at worst, disruptive and unpleasant.
It can seem to your own children that foster children are ‘getting away’ with things such as swearing or doing things they are not allowed to do.
What could be the solution?
Talking with your own children, giving them information about a foster child without divulging confidential or too much information, is key to helping them understand why hey may act as they do.
Point out that their own behavior is a model for the foster child and that they may end up copying them, acting better in the long-term.
A family book that lays out the rules clearly and what the consequences are when rules are broken is important too.
Fostering as a family is a powerful tool in helping a child who can’t live with their birth family, to grow up as part of a family unit.
Foster Care Associates Scotland offer support to every member of the fostering family, including children and young people. They are currently seeking new foster families.