Human beings are social by nature. We thrive when we have other people around us. Interpersonal relationships are entertaining, offer security, and keep us active.
However, these connections can be taken advantage of.
A relationship can be taken for granted, a friend might ask a favor of you that intrudes on your personal life or values, or a family member might repeatedly minimize a condition or trauma that you have.
When this happens, it can cause significant mental stress and pain, but because they’re your friend/family/boss/teacher, etc., we may tolerate it.
So, what can we do? We learn to establish boundaries.
What Is a Boundary?
A boundary does not forbid someone from doing something. It gives them full permission to do whatever they want, but it also stipulates that you have the right to respond accordingly to look after yourself.
A boundary doesn’t say, “You aren’t allowed to do x.” it says, “If you do x, then I will do y.”
It isn’t a forbidding of the action; it’s a clear stipulation that if the action continues to happen with no regard for your feelings or mental well-being, you will react in a way that preserves your health.
Boundaries are powerful because they show the person crossing them that their actions will have very real consequences.
They will have to live with the results if they don’t change their behavior. In cases of harassment and abuse, the perpetrator, more often than not, knows what they’re doing is wrong.
They just enjoy the power dynamic. Setting a boundary says, “You can choose to do this if you want, but I won’t stand for it.”
Self-Respect: Building Your Shield
The first step to effectively establishing your boundaries is to understand what your boundaries are. You are a person with thoughts and feelings that are valid.
You deserve to have your boundaries respected.
Understanding this is the first step to setting good boundaries, simply because doing so is difficult, and drawing from this fact will help you assert yourself.
Setting the Boundary
A boundary can’t be set without communication. You have to clearly outline in no uncertain terms what it is you’re objecting to, why, and (where needed), what will happen as a result of the behavior isn’t rectified.
Be confident, after all, you deserve to feel safe and not have to worry about getting hurt. Some good examples of how to communicate a boundary are:
“I don’t feel safe when you say things like that. Please stop or I won’t be able to keep talking with you.”
“I’m unable to accept any more work right now as I’m at capacity.”
“I don’t like being touched. Stop invading my personal space or we won’t be in contact anymore.”
Remember, be clear, precise, and deliberate.
Dealing With The Backlash
People who cross boundaries like the power they get from it. Enforcing boundaries removes or shifts that power. In setting boundaries you will come up against resistance. Here are some common arguments and how to rebuff them:
Good Luck
Setting boundaries is difficult, but so necessary to preserving your mental health and fostering genuine relationships with people that are good for you and your well-being.
If you’re having trouble establishing boundaries, you should see a professional, someone who has completed an online Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling or similar qualification and built the skills required to help you build yours.
But if talking to a therapist or counselor isn’t an option, there are also numerous victim hotlines you can contact if you are in need of immediate assistance.
Remember, you are worth protecting, and your thoughts and feelings are valid. We wish you the best of luck.